Whole Hole…

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Still have not heard anything from DSHS.  I am aware that I need to find more patience.  But it’s very near running out completely.  Patience is on fumes right now.

The “baby room” as it has been deemed sits empty.  I keep the door closed.  It’s cold in there.  The curtains stay drawn.

The whole idea of being a foster mommy still scares the crap out of me.  That hasn’t changed.  But not knowing if that room should be changed into a craft room or decorated even more for a baby is just…well, honestly…it’s just sad.  Hmmm…baby room to help raise a child who needs a safe home, or a craft room for me to continue being selfish with my life and my time.  Make a difference in a child’s life, or make a change to some curtains and sew a little more…?

I am still confused.  I am still unaware.  I am still unsure. 

Sometimes I think that I am just not strong enough or patient enough to deal with the State.  Or even with someone else’s children while they try to stop being complete douche canoes.  (I know not all of the bio parents are dumbasses.  Just a good portion of them.)

I was laying in bed last night reading (Breaking Dawn – OMG I LOVE ROBERT PATTINSON!!!) and wondering what would be different if I was a mommy…foster or bio.  Would I even have time to read?  Would I be so exhausted day in and day out that I wouldn’t find things or do things that I enjoy?

I think I am just scared to lose myself.  And part of me, and I don’t know how big that part, doesn’t know if maybe I shouldn’t just wait to be a mom for a bit longer.  I am 31, but women are doing this later and later in life.  And maybe someday I will be fortunate enough to meet a nice guy who I can be a family with.  Be foster PARENTS together. 

I have never been one to wait around for a guy.  Well, I did enough waiting around when I was with the one I thought was The One…and he turned out to be The One Single Person Who Could Get Me To Hate Everything instead. 

I feel selfish.  I feel too young and too old.  I feel like an immature adult and an old kid. 

Maybe I have been obsessing with Twilight and all of it’s Saga this last month too much.  I was a bit late to the game and just started reading and watching them about 4 weeks ago.  Suddenly I gained renewed faith in finding love.  Yes, I found this from a book.  About vampires.  That sparkle.  And you know, that part that they don’t exist.  But for some reason, the girl who hates romance (uh, ME!) found a renewed spark in it.

Maybe I found that spark because I have been feeling more self confident physically.  I have lost 40 pounds in the last 6 months or so, and am starting to feel like a woman again.  One that has a figure and whose only shape isn’t just round. 

Letting Go, Letting God…My Mantra.  Need to listen to it and LIVE it.  Focus!!

I got PRIDE, yes I do, I graduated PRIDE HOW BOUT YOU?

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HA!

I gradumacated my foster/adopt PRIDE class on Sunday!  Yay!  I got my little certificate and everything!  I officially donated my weekends listening to people talk and got a certificate for it!  (Honestly though, the speakers were awesome!)

Last Friday I went and got my TB test done and did my fingerprinting. 

The TB test was a tiny needle that went under the first few layers of my skin on my left arm.  She forewarned me that it would leave a really strange bubble effect on my arm…It didn’t stop me from freaking out when I saw it!  It looked like I had some weird growth or HUGE whitehead/zit on my arm.  And it started bleeding.  So I had a nasty looking cyst type thing.  And I had to go in public still. 

I ended up with random blood dots all over my shirt. 

Thanksfully the bubble of ick went down by the time I was fingerprinted at the State Patrol office.  I am afraid that with the lack of english that the fingerprinting lady spoke, she somehow would think I had leprosy on my arm or something.  But as I said, it just looked like a small veiny bruise by then.

One of the girls that was in my PRIDE class was the most.annoying.lady.ever.  She was EXTREMELY soft spoken and no matter how hard the teacher guy tried to get her to speak up, she would always say it’s because the vents were blowing too loudly over her head and she couldn’t hear…um, we can’t hear YOU lady.  You can hear yourself in your head I hope? 

Every day Crazy Annoying Lady would bring in several different containers.  All of soup.  Different kinds of soup.  But still soup. 

And she would slurp them.  Not the little “oops, I slurped a bit” but the full fthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht, with some of the noodles popping up and smacking their wet end on her face.  Well, except when she had the world’s most smelly broth type of soup.  That she dipped her bread with oddly colored cheese into. 

She ate soup about three times every class. 

After a full morning on the first day of class, listening to her slurp, I had already mentally evaluated that I hated the fact she was breathing my oxygen and no matter what she did, it would drive me nuts. 

And she drove several other people nuts too – that is one thing I love about “micro expressions”…they are SO easy to read on people. 

For the most part, everyone in the class was extremely nice.  A lot of kinship folks in there.  There was one couple that were a tad…whacky.  I can’t think of any other way to describe them.  No matter what she was correcting the teacher on (yes, because she knew EVERYTHING because she went to college and volunteered with kids once), her husband always looked at her with a mixture of cracked out-ness, fear and sexual ick.  She was a biiiig girl.  He was a scrawny Teva sandal wearing peg legged pants wearing wee man. 

And she always sat with her legs as far apart from each other as humanly possible.  In her skirts.  While constantly talking about how nothing but whole foods and organic were allowed in their house and how they worry about biological parents trying to rape them.  Or something…but that isn’t too far off. 

Anywho, I got my TB test read and I am negative.  I wasn’t exactly concerned.  But still – that would be my luck.  Everything else checks out but I have TB or something.  Or leprosy.

 

 

Ready? Set? G….STOOOOOOP!!!!!

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I am just putting in a brief note here. 

After some Deep Thinking and pondering and contemplating and freaking out…I have decided to wait on being a foster mom. 

I am honestly just not ready.  I think I started feeling as if I HAD to be some kind of a mom.  All my friends are mom’s.  My own mother was a parent by the age I am now. 

But that can’t be the reason to do this. 

And I am sad.  I am sad to let go of the childs room that I had ready for them.  I am sad to let go of the idea of being a mom. 

But I am just not ready. 

And I would rather figure that out prior to having a placement, rather than after. 

Thank you to everyone for their kind words and advice.  I will be back if things should change!!

Second Guessing…

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I don’t know why I all of a sudden have started freaking out.  I mean, I literally spent all weekend pondering…

I don’t know if I am ready to be a foster mom.  I don’t know how selfish I really am.  I don’t know how giving I really am. 

I have not yet heard back from DSHS on my background check.  But I start wondering if I have TOO much of a history financially that might hurt me.  I don’t even know if they look at that.  I filed bankruptcy.  Yes.  I am an awful person…But it was either I did that or I lost everything. 

And now I am wondering on that and some other things in the past that might keep me from being a foster mom. 

And I am wondering if that wouldn’t be for the best…being rejected.

I am in my very early 30′s…so while my biological clock is ticking in a sense, I don’t know if I have a desire to ever be pregnant.  But I might.  But I don’t know.

SO confused.  I am not in a relationship with anyone currently, so it’s not like I am just contemplating “our life together as a family”. 

I guess I want to be a mom, but not sure if I want to be OWNED by the state as a foster parent. 

I am really trying the Let Go, Let God method of decision making take over, but part of me feels like I already know the answer but I am ignoring it. 

I am scared.  I am hesitant.  I am nervous.  I am overwhelmed.

I am lost.

…oy vay…

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I received an email from the Licensor yesterday.

She asked if my mom would be a care taker during the day while I was at work, and if so, we could just put her on the license.  She would just need to fill out the nine hundred million page personal history.  So, no big deal with that it looks like.

She said everything looked in order so far. 

Asked about my water – city or well.

And….

That’s it. 

Which is fine I suppose for a FEW more days.  I am still working on a few things around the house.  Lots of painting.  But I am READY to take the step and schedule a homestudy!  I am not asking for it to be done tomorrow.

But to be able to have a DATE set would be nice.  I would feel like I was still moving forward.

Seriously, either foster parenting is going to beat patience into me and teach me that patience is a virtue or I am going to start sitting in the corner while rocking myself singing show tunes or the Golden Girls theme song.

Obviously, hoping for option A.  Although I really love the theme song for Golden Girls.

…”And the card attached would say, THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEEEEEEEEEEEEND!”

Waiting…Waiting…OH WAIT.A.MINUTE!

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I got an email a few minutes ago from my licensor…she got my packet of information today. 

Granted, I hand delivered it to her office for HER on August 30th.  But hey, we had weekends in there, Labor Day, etc.  So I guess it’s ONLY been 7 working days. 

But whatever.  I want to keep MOVING FORWARD!  I am getting the bedroom all fixed up.  Which has been interesting, considering I don’t know the age range I will for sure have yet, or if it will be girl or boy.  So I am painting the room white, putting some room darkening tan curtains, going to buy a rug for the middle of the floor with hopefully bright happy colors, etc.  And I am finding girl and boy toys for all ages. 

I just hope it’s not all for nothing.  I do have one thing in my household that MAY have the potential to prevent me from being licensed…and that scares the crap.ola out of me. 

Last night, I went to the Good.will and found two Fisher Price Little People houses – one is the newer version parking garage/gas station and one is the newer version farmhouse with sounds.  I say newer version because they had the same things back in like the late 70′s and early 80′s (I believe), and I owned them!  I found some online of the original ones, and I might eventually get those too.

It’s amazing how consumed my mind has been lately with everything foster care.  It’s literally what I eat, drink, and dream about.  The “kid” room, as it was dubbed, is right across the hall from my own.  So I see it all the time…and I imagine my life with a little one in it.

Will I need to get up earlier to get them ready as well? 

Will I be exhausted from night time feedings? 

Will my pets behave and stay out of that room? (yeah, right) 

Will I have a bunch of fun stories (well, sometimes they aren’t FUN when they happen – it’s the after that is funny.) to tell people at work. 

Will I take photos of him/her with that just perfect face covered picture so I can post it on here? 

Will I step up and do a beautiful lifebook for them? 

Will they be TPR’d already or well on their way?  Or will I be dealing with parents that want their kids back, but don’t want to do ENOUGH to actually GET them back?

Or will the parents step up to the plate themselves and do everything they are told and do right by their kids?

I feel so UNHINGED right now – like I have SO much to do, but I don’t know what that stuff is yet. 

My life is good.  But I don’t feel it’s complete.  But I don’t want to lay everything on THE CHILD and hope that “they complete me”.  I do hope to find “more” in life while raising a child though.  I want to enjoy the time.  Try to learn to live in the minute, which I am awful at right now.

I pray that my job/co-workers are as flexible as they say they will be.  A friend of mine that works in the same company has had mixed reactions…she gets treated differently, just slightly sometimes, than her counterparts that gave birth to their child.  She adopted two of hers, and is fostering a third…peoples reaction to her staying home with a sick baby or sick child is definitely not as forgiving as it is for “real” (hate that word, but it makes my point) parents.  I didn’t believe that the unfairness really existed, UNTIL I read some of the emails sent to her and heard some of the talk. 

I don’t know what will happen with my co-workers or boss.  I hope that I don’t have the same issue with them as she is having – trying to prove that a mother is a mother is a mother. 

I already have to deal with their NOT SOUGHT out opinions.  And depending on what their previous evening was like, changes their opinion.  Some days I just see that “smile” that says “oh poor Jae, she has no idea how hard it is to raise a child.  She won’t be able to do this.  But it’s cute that she thinks she can.”  I hate that smile. 

Other days, they right out tell me that they think I am insane.  That opening my life and my home to the state and to a child “that you don’t even know if you get to keep” (cause now they are an object apparently) is just insane.  Assinine. 

And it’s still my all time favorite – “I just couldn’t do it.  You know, give them back.” 

Well, none of this will be easy for me either.  None of it.  Having the state be able to check on me whenever they want.  Needing to get permission to get the child a hair cut.  Needing to get the ok to travel at all…it’s all frustrating, well it will be, I’m sure. 

But for crying out freaking loud – I am not doing this because it’s EASY!  I am doing it because my heart is telling me to.  And I have ignored it long enough.

Oy.

 

Hurry UP!…And wait…

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And as it seems to be in the fostering world, it’s hurry up and wait time. 

I dropped off my foster parent packet last night since the Licensor had said that was a good time.  I then emailed her this morning to let her know that it was there.  Like she told me to.

I got a message back right away…her Out Of Office message.  Saying she will be back next Friday. 

And honestly, it isn’t THAT big of a deal.  However, this same licensor is also a co-worker’s licensor.  And she had a scheduled appointment yesterday to license her new house. 

The licensor didn’t show up!  Called her about four hours AFTER the scheduled time and said that she had forgotten and was at home all day.

Nice. 

Let me tell you – if I take a vacation day from work and one of the workers just doesn’t show up?  I will be pissed.  I can’t just not show up for meetings at work.  That would be an issue.  But this licensor acted like it was just so blase and not a big deal that she hadn’t bothered to check her calendar. 

I am not perfect, but I do appreciate reliability, and at the very least, common courtesy. 

But hopefully she will prove my first impression wrong.  But like that dandruff saying – you never get a second chance to make a first impression.  And right now, that’s how I feel.

But I guess these are just the hoops I will be jumping through if I want to be a licensed foster mommy.