Push It…Push It Real Good

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Tomorrow is my CPR/BBP/1st Aid class for foster parenting.  It’s in the same room I was in for my PRIDE classes…which had NO air pumping through it.  So I don’t know if it will be hot here tomorrow or not – but doing a lot of chest pumping in a hot room with a bunch of people – not exciting. 

I will be wearing some jeans that don’t fall off my butt and a long tank top…and lots of deoderant.  That is for those around me. 

This means that as of Monday, I will be able to send off my application packet!  I probably wont’ send until Tuesday though – I want to make sure to get copies of everything I possibly can. 

Always hear the stories of packets getting lost.  UGH.

And my nerves are starting to sputter up a little higher as well…I think “I am going to lose my freedoms”, “I am going to have my heart broken when they reunify”, “I am going to be ____ (tired, stressed, overwhelmed, happy, angry, scared)”  ALL of it. 

I also wonder if this is smart for me to do.  I mean, can I REALLY be a good mom to these kids?  Do I really have anything to offer?

And that scares me.  I have no bio kids and have only spent a lot of time with my friends children.  And I like that.  And they like me. 

But these kids are a lot more broken…and I don’t want to break them in any other way! 

I just am scared I won’t be good enough.

But I don’t want to give up.  I have a tendency to quit things even when they make me happy.  I slack off.  I worry that something will be a lot of fun and I won’t be good enough at it.

I hope my fears are normal.  Because the excitement is also there.  Fear and Excitement are parallell to each other – neck and neck.  Sometimes one gets a bit of a jump on the other for a bit, but the other always catches right back up.

I need to prepare the bedroom a bit more…maybe that will alleviate some of the fears when I see how wonderfully awesome it can be too. 

EEK!

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