Whole Hole…


Still have not heard anything from DSHS.  I am aware that I need to find more patience.  But it’s very near running out completely.  Patience is on fumes right now.

The “baby room” as it has been deemed sits empty.  I keep the door closed.  It’s cold in there.  The curtains stay drawn.

The whole idea of being a foster mommy still scares the crap out of me.  That hasn’t changed.  But not knowing if that room should be changed into a craft room or decorated even more for a baby is just…well, honestly…it’s just sad.  Hmmm…baby room to help raise a child who needs a safe home, or a craft room for me to continue being selfish with my life and my time.  Make a difference in a child’s life, or make a change to some curtains and sew a little more…?

I am still confused.  I am still unaware.  I am still unsure. 

Sometimes I think that I am just not strong enough or patient enough to deal with the State.  Or even with someone else’s children while they try to stop being complete douche canoes.  (I know not all of the bio parents are dumbasses.  Just a good portion of them.)

I was laying in bed last night reading (Breaking Dawn – OMG I LOVE ROBERT PATTINSON!!!) and wondering what would be different if I was a mommy…foster or bio.  Would I even have time to read?  Would I be so exhausted day in and day out that I wouldn’t find things or do things that I enjoy?

I think I am just scared to lose myself.  And part of me, and I don’t know how big that part, doesn’t know if maybe I shouldn’t just wait to be a mom for a bit longer.  I am 31, but women are doing this later and later in life.  And maybe someday I will be fortunate enough to meet a nice guy who I can be a family with.  Be foster PARENTS together. 

I have never been one to wait around for a guy.  Well, I did enough waiting around when I was with the one I thought was The One…and he turned out to be The One Single Person Who Could Get Me To Hate Everything instead. 

I feel selfish.  I feel too young and too old.  I feel like an immature adult and an old kid. 

Maybe I have been obsessing with Twilight and all of it’s Saga this last month too much.  I was a bit late to the game and just started reading and watching them about 4 weeks ago.  Suddenly I gained renewed faith in finding love.  Yes, I found this from a book.  About vampires.  That sparkle.  And you know, that part that they don’t exist.  But for some reason, the girl who hates romance (uh, ME!) found a renewed spark in it.

Maybe I found that spark because I have been feeling more self confident physically.  I have lost 40 pounds in the last 6 months or so, and am starting to feel like a woman again.  One that has a figure and whose only shape isn’t just round. 

Letting Go, Letting God…My Mantra.  Need to listen to it and LIVE it.  Focus!!


3 responses »

  1. first of all, I will be in the line for the first showing of BREAKING DAWN at midnight…you should come.

    second of all, there will be days that you won’t have time to do anything you want to do. and there is will be a day when you didn’t realize that all that stuff is over rated.

    there is something about a little life, whether we made it, are baby sitting it, or want to adopt it that is so special you will realize “I would give up anything for this little thing.”

    and then, a few days or weeks later you will want a day to yourself so bad you will wonder if you can stand another minute of being the slave of a 2-3 foot tall slave driver.

    everyday is different. and you will make it. you will love parts of it. and hate others.

    but, you will never regret it.

    • I am SO excited for Breaking Dawn! I bought my tickets already! I am going to be giddy the whole stinking day at work!

      (I was really sad when I finished the book though…Felt like a really good ride was over!)

      I really appreciate your words. Sometimes I feel like my fear is rational, and sometimes I think I am trying to make up excuses. I am a “quitter”. A perpetual quitter at that. I tend to be very enthusiastic about things, and then let go of them. I get bored, to put it simply. And I am SO scared that my mind now thinks this is something I should quit. It’s dumb.

      I feel so terribly immature right now. But there is that part of me that thinks that maybe that little 2 – 3 foot person could change my life for the better too. 🙂

  2. I’m with Mama… I was afraid of “losing myself” too. Turns out, somewhere between all of the training classes and current foster baby #6, I actually FOUND myself! Sure, there will be things that you have to give up, and the daily “snapshots” of your life will change. But you’ll learn things about yourself that you never would have discovered without these little people who need you so much. Any little thing that I ever had to give up is so, SOOOO worth it. (and Breaking Dawn will be too! I CAN’T WAIT!!! 😉

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