Category Archives: Twilight

Whole Hole…

Standard

Still have not heard anything from DSHS.  I am aware that I need to find more patience.  But it’s very near running out completely.  Patience is on fumes right now.

The “baby room” as it has been deemed sits empty.  I keep the door closed.  It’s cold in there.  The curtains stay drawn.

The whole idea of being a foster mommy still scares the crap out of me.  That hasn’t changed.  But not knowing if that room should be changed into a craft room or decorated even more for a baby is just…well, honestly…it’s just sad.  Hmmm…baby room to help raise a child who needs a safe home, or a craft room for me to continue being selfish with my life and my time.  Make a difference in a child’s life, or make a change to some curtains and sew a little more…?

I am still confused.  I am still unaware.  I am still unsure. 

Sometimes I think that I am just not strong enough or patient enough to deal with the State.  Or even with someone else’s children while they try to stop being complete douche canoes.  (I know not all of the bio parents are dumbasses.  Just a good portion of them.)

I was laying in bed last night reading (Breaking Dawn – OMG I LOVE ROBERT PATTINSON!!!) and wondering what would be different if I was a mommy…foster or bio.  Would I even have time to read?  Would I be so exhausted day in and day out that I wouldn’t find things or do things that I enjoy?

I think I am just scared to lose myself.  And part of me, and I don’t know how big that part, doesn’t know if maybe I shouldn’t just wait to be a mom for a bit longer.  I am 31, but women are doing this later and later in life.  And maybe someday I will be fortunate enough to meet a nice guy who I can be a family with.  Be foster PARENTS together. 

I have never been one to wait around for a guy.  Well, I did enough waiting around when I was with the one I thought was The One…and he turned out to be The One Single Person Who Could Get Me To Hate Everything instead. 

I feel selfish.  I feel too young and too old.  I feel like an immature adult and an old kid. 

Maybe I have been obsessing with Twilight and all of it’s Saga this last month too much.  I was a bit late to the game and just started reading and watching them about 4 weeks ago.  Suddenly I gained renewed faith in finding love.  Yes, I found this from a book.  About vampires.  That sparkle.  And you know, that part that they don’t exist.  But for some reason, the girl who hates romance (uh, ME!) found a renewed spark in it.

Maybe I found that spark because I have been feeling more self confident physically.  I have lost 40 pounds in the last 6 months or so, and am starting to feel like a woman again.  One that has a figure and whose only shape isn’t just round. 

Letting Go, Letting God…My Mantra.  Need to listen to it and LIVE it.  Focus!!